“One of the main techniques we work on is called problem definition and the framework is: I like it when you _, but when you _, I feel _. She says, “it is important that the listener be aware of body language, avoid interrupting, and take time to reflect before responding.” Beginning With a ComplimentĬalifornia-based couples/sex psychologist Nicole Prause supports a similar exercise: Rice reminds us that the listener has a role to play too. What I need is a clearer understanding of your timeline and when you may have work that interferes with being able to take care of it(action partner can take).” I feel frustrated (feeling word) and that my requests are not important when you agree to take care of a task around the house and then don’t do it (specific event). Now, put it all together following the formula above. Do you need more info on their expected timeline? Would you like them to let you know if they cannot take on that task at this time? Get specific! How did it make you feel when you saw the laundry still unfolded? Frustrated, ignored, unheard? Next, have a solid idea of what your partner can do differently next time. Let’s take this example: You asked your partner to take care of folding the laundry and two days have gone by without so much as a pair of socks being matched.įirst, identify the feeling. When you do _ (specific action, statement, or event)Īnd what I need is _ (specific behavior change, alternative response, or call to action) I feel _ (insert emotion/feeling word such as frightened, overwhelmed, disrespected, ignored, etc) These expressions of our feelings help to directly communicate the underlying emotion and provide your partner with specific actions they can take to improve the situation. On the other hand, healthy communication is based on “I” statements. These messages of criticism can cause tears in the fabric of the relationship and lead to resentment and hurt feelings. You statements, (such as “you always do this!,” or “you don’t even care”) are verbal jabs that are often blaming and critical and are subconscious or covert attempts to make the receiver feel the same as the sender. Rice says, “When feelings are hurt, and we feel the need to defend ourselves or our emotions, it is not uncommon to fall into unhealthy communication habits such as using “you” statements. This includes avoiding accusatory “you” statements or allowing heightened emotion to take over. She shares a basic formula that couples can use to be sure they are expressing themselves the best way possible during conflict situations. Sarah Rice is an Associate Marriage & Family Therapist as well as host of the Brain Candy Podcast. Active and Reflective Listening Exercise.
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